When we’re single, we tend to fantasize about what our respective Mr./Miss Fantastics are like and all the wonderful qualities he/she possesses. In the midst of all this build-up of the ideal boyfriend/girlfriend, we lose track of the one thing that’s much more important than any one trait in any one person. The elusive thing we’re looking for is connection to another person – a relationship. But what does that mean?

I think where we make the biggest mistake is not in failing to find the right person. It is in failing to know what we want from a relationship. Many people don’t know what they want, and they get as far as what they want Mr./Miss Fantastic to be like or look like, but not as far as how they actually want to feel in a relationship. How we want to feel. How we want to co-exist with someone else.

Good relationship qualities we might desire, like mutual respect, get sidelined so we can pursue someone who’s really hot. Kindness can be overlooked in the pursuit of someone who exudes confidence. And simple courtesy gets tossed aside when we’re smitten with someone who’s really successful in a career. As a result, honesty and vulnerability become casualties. We want to look like we’re not invested, because who wants someone who is vulnerable?

We should date with more intention. We should date knowing what our next relationship will look like, what feeds us and makes us happy. We should picture what this relationship looks like on a day-to-day basis. We should make room for that person and all of their mistakes and baggage, too, just like we’d expect someone else to do for us. Instead of looking for that next amazing person, try instead focusing on your next amazing relationship.